It started to get a little tiresome now, I did not like having to adjust my life around throwing up, I did not want to accept it as the norm. I did not want it to stay. It got tougher and tougher to shake of being sick as it started to get worse, not being able to bounce back so quickly. It drained me, I didn't have much of an appetite and could only eat in the evenings, so I found my self getting weaker physically. But I had to make a conscious decision everyday that even though my flesh got weaker, spiritually I wasn’t. A scripture that really helped me was Psalm 73: 25-26 which reads: ‘Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart my fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.‘’ I found that being continually filled by Him strengthened me, even in the silence my mum and I made sure that it was not a time for lies and doubt to speak to me as I rested. So she would put on worship DVDs, or just play entire albums of Matt Redman, Chris Tomlin, just worshipful music. I started to see that this sickness was not going to last forever. There will be an end. A song that some of you may know by Matt Redman, ‘You never let go’ was a help to all of us in the family. My favourite part being:
‘Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Thats all I could do. Praise. That was my saving strength and I saw more and more how powerful pure worship is.
I like to visualize things and picture things to aid my understanding or grasp on things. I saw my self in a valley, it was dark, lots of shadows and death lurking around (know what Psalm I’m thinking of?) But I saw God as my shepherd, He in His most pure love took me by the hand and we walked up that mountain together, and we would take it step by step until we reached the top and the view would be so glorious, so breath taking, so perfect that it was worth the climb.
Reaching a point of knowing how He saw me, how He loved me and how He cared prepared me for what laid ahead.
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