Does God love me?

This question definitely crossed my mind more than once, I have to admit. I didn’t know where this sickness came from, why it was here and when it was going to go. I thought that He was punishing me for something, but I would rack my brain trying to think of something and got myself all entangled with my thoughts. I needed to know that God cared; I needed to know that I was worth fighting for, because all I could see was just a bag of bones not worth saving.

My view had to change in order for me to be on the right path of getting well. I watched DVDs about God’s love, I read, and I listened but nothing was hitting home.

By this time it was May and I had an exam to do for my first year in university. I wasn't well enough to go by myself as it was somewhere I had never been before and was an hour away from my house. So my mum came with me, (I did feel embarrassed but I knew I needed help!). That morning I asked God if He would show me how much He loved me.

 We got to the exam place and I sat down to do my test. Thirty minutes into it I looked up and everything was spinning. My eyes couldn’t focus and I felt like I was going to throw up! I thought to myself ‘oh God please don’t make me puke in front of all these people’! I put my hand up to go to the bathroom and an examiner led me to the bathroom. When inside I just prayed and prayed and called out to God for strength.  I felt a little better and walked out the bathroom. The lady saw my face and hers dropped from a smile. I told her I wasn’t well and went to go get my teacher. As I was sitting in the foyer this boy leaned over and asked: ‘Are you OK? I’m concerned about you?’ No one’s ever said that to me before nor would I think a stranger would say ‘I’m concerned about you’!  I was so touched and reassured him that I would be alright and he offered his services if I needed anything. My teacher came down and gave me options about finishing the test, and I said I just want to finish it and told him that my mum was nearby to help. I finished quickly and came down to find my friend had finished too. She sat with me and kept me occupied. My teacher, whom I wasn’t fond of because of how he would do certain things, offered to give my mum, my friend and me a ride home! I was shocked and a little nervous to get into his car, but I wasn’t going to be alone. He drove us all the way back to our road. It was the kindness of God to do that for me.

I can’t see what lies ahead of me, but I know that God can. I saw that God had my day planned out perfectly; He made sure that every step of the way I was cared for and loved, even by people I didn’t expect it from. I believe the love of God is seen through people and their actions, which is just a glimpse of what God does for us. He uses other people to bless us and remind us of what He has done.

I can say, without doubt or wavering, that God loves me.

The only place to start - is from the beginning

In March 2011 I noticed that my hearing in my right ear was different. I couldn’t hear like I was used to, and I need my ears as my passion is working with audio. At my church I am one of the sound technicians and had been doing so since I was 14. I just dismissed it at first and thought it was my phone that was making me not hear correctly. 

My stomach also started to pose a problem. I would get sudden pains in my stomach and wouldn’t know what would bring them on. After about a week of having these pains, I started to throw up... non-stop. By the third night I asked my parents to take me to the hospital. I have never said this before and was a little afraid. My older sister had to help me walk to the car and get around in the hospital and it was a long wait before I was seen. Once a doctor came they took blood but found nothing unusual and just gave me something to drink to get my strength back.

After a few days I was able to get strength back and everything seemed normal for about two weeks. Then it started all over again and this time it was every morning when I woke up. I did not like this one bit and neither did my family. We prayed and we stood against whatever it was. It became an unfortunate start to everyday. It was tough and I had to re-direct my mind each time. There were days when I wouldn’t want to get out of bed, but my family and friends were a great support in shaking me out of it! 

Plain and simple, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired! My mum and brother and sister came and had to physically get me out of bed as I was weak. They encouraged my to praise the Lord. So my brother got his Guitar, my sister sang, and my mum helped prop me up. But I didn’t want to. My reasoning going on in my head was, I’m not going to do it just because they want me to do it. Then he spoke. God whispered to me and said ‘Wouldn’t I be there playing the guitar, wouldn’t I be there singing with you and holding you up? Wouldn’t I do the same for you to help you?’ I broke down as I usually do when He talks to me because it’s always perfect. I was being plain right stubborn! But God being rich in mercy had people around me to help me get out of the state I was in. I submitted to God and repented and I worshipped Him and it helped me get back on my feet and do what I had to do! 

Worship is key! One day I was struggling to get out of bed (again). I knew that I was going to throw up and I didn’t want to; I was afraid. I cried out to God for help and He said “strengthen yourself with Psalm 100”. So I read it. He said “read it again and again and again” so I read it again and again and again until I was believing it. Then He said “get out of bed reading it” and I did! I didn’t get up and have to run to the bathroom; I walked! I was so happy that I didn’t throw up I just sang praises to God for what he did for me! Then it hit me. Before, I was worshipping God out of my desperation or to distract myself when I really should be praising Him for who He is and what He has done. It was simple.

It is important what comes out of your mouth and every time I threw-up I made sure that ‘I will bless the Lord at ALL times...’ I distracted myself from me and concentrated on God and what He had for me and enabled me to do in that day. It become the norm that I would throw-up but continue with my day like nothing happened.